Imaginary Restraint

Lately, I've been questioning myself...How did I get so fuddy duddy with everything? Why is it that I always restrain myself from being who I really am? What holds me back?

I feel old and republican, two things I'm definitely not. Where have I gone wrong? Well, that's just a rhetorical question here people...I think I have a tiny idea, ehehehe...I can easily blame it on living with a negative person for so long, but ultimately, I had the choice to leave him, even if I thought I couldn't then.

I let myself go. I let myself down.

Back when I started dating my ex-husband, I made a somewhat conscious decision to not have friendships with guys, one very important to me in particular, for fear of it being judged as "inappropriate" (or was it that I knew I would never be able to resist him? Probably that...).

I stopped worrying about myself, and dedicated my time and effort to a relationship that was wrong from the begining. And to think I didn't listen to the little voice inside that said I didn't have to marry him, just because I told him I would...Why did I ever feel like I had to? Such sense of obligation and duty...

I know this may seem like bits and pieces of something I can't quite put down on "paper", but I can't get myself to say it more directly. I keep thinking of a past relationship, but for which purpose?

I think of being with someone who writes little love notes, treats me like I'm made of the best stuff on earth, can't believe he is with me, fills my world with passion, longing, innocence, and gives me a sense of security and belonging...Encourages me to be imperfect.