Angry Eyebrows

I’m not sure what’s been going on with my eyebrows, but they are totally out of line these days. It’s bad enough that, once in a while, I wake up with hairs that are going in different directions (scary directions, I might add), but now, I’ve got one more issue to deal with…My eager fingers handling the task.

I think I got a bit too enthusiastic the last few times I tweezed, and forgot to follow the natural arch. The result? It looks like I’m either constantly angry, constipated, or obnoxious. I’m quickly resembling Spock. By the time Halloween arrives, I won’t need a costume.

Thy Neighbors' Pool - Part II

This morning, I decided to take a little peak at the side of the neighbors' pool, and found even more exquisiteness - a privacy fence with 3 or 4 outdoor lights. Impressive! Maybe I'm just masking my total jealousness with a thick veil of criticism...It is probably true. I was supposed to be getting an above ground pool before summer, and instead, I'm going to be looking for another place to live.

It makes me terribly sad to leave my house. I picked it with so much care...I saw it, and I fell in love with all the little nooks and crannies, and the tremendous outdoor potential. I had such big dreams...But that's just it. They were merely dreams.

It's hard enough to let go of material things, which can be replaced, but what is most difficult, is the thought of starting over. It's exciting not to know what the future brings, but at the same time, it is very scary. Will I ever trust and fall in love again? Will it be someone who loves me unconditionally and who would never hurt me?

Thy Neighbors' Pool

Once in a while, I like to observe people around me. Not just while I'm driving and checking what people in other cars are doing (picking nose? shaving?), but also when something odd catches my eye.

Today, I spent a few minutes looking at my neighbors. For the past 2 weeks or so, they have been working really hard in their yard, making space for a pool. They actually moved a real playhouse (none of that plastic stuff...this puppy has shingles!), leveled out the soil, built (from scratch) two sets of steps, and a small deck. Wow. They must be getting a really nice pool!

Wait, the frame they are putting up looks a bit flimsy...Is that the liner or the actual pool? Won't splinters from the deck/stairs puncture it? What happened to the panels, etc? Ooo they've got half a dozen evergreen bushes, nice! Paving stones too. What da fudge?! Nah, that can't be it.

Yup, that is it. My neigbhors have pimped out their pool area, but forgot to invest a larger portion of their budget on a decent pool that will withstand winter. I just don't get people.

Ooowweeee Caliente!

Today, it was muy caliente and humido in the oficina. For those who don’t speak espagnol, olé! all that well, but pretend they do (like me!), that would mean, it’s mad hot and humid in the office. I think “they” might have been trying to force some secret out of me (paranoid much?! hey, who said that? me. me who? well, this can go on for a bit, but you get the point), by turning off the air. I was half asleep, nauseous, and slightly senseless. Thirsty too. No cups by the water cooler. Coincidence??? I think not.

My New Toy - The Queen of Tweeze

The Silk épil and I decided to put our differences aside, and are now BFFs. I must admit, ever since our tweezing encounter, I've been secretly pining to use the epilator again. Today, I felt a few stragglers, so I took the lovely machine out of its hiding place, and I went to work. My legs have never been smoother...and I have my sparkly new friend to thank. If we were at an award ceremony, where I was about to receive some kind of trophy, here's what my speech might have been like:

"O my gosh, this is a total surprise. O goodness, I almost peed m'a pants when I heard my name being announced as the winner of this lovely award. I would like to thank my family, my cats, everyone I love, and I would like to take this opportunity to thank my Silk épil. Without it, I would be a lost, lost woman with furry legs. So thank you, épil. Thank you for bringing my sexy back."

Orange You Glad I'm Corny

Ahh summer is almost here. And with that, comes the ultra important decision regarding tanning. So, do I go with the sunless tan lotion or go pale this summer? Personally, I kind of like to stay away from the sun. It’s not so skin-friendly.

A “tan” (I use the term very loosely…I just mean the barely there hint of color) really brings out the dark green in my eyes, makes my freckles more noticeable, and gives me that “she’s-not-really-anemic” look. Fabulous!

My project for the long weekend was to start dyeing my legs. Yesterday, I dabbed some Yergens (name changed to protect its identity), all over, inhaling the sweet scent of fake tan. I didn’t see much difference at first, but I knew today, when I woke up, I would see some color. Yippieeeeee!

Alrighty. I’m not exactly sure where I went wrong with the application, but I went wrong all over. There are splotches of orange. Everywhere. Splotches. Not only that, but between my left ankle and foot, there are three streaks of darker orange. Did I scratch that color into my skin? Did I do it in my sleep?

I’m jaundiced, jaundiced!!!

I Rectum You're Wrong

This entry is going to be more of a public announcement, and is addressed to the young, handsome, Randolph A&P shopper, who was wearing a black shirt, and blue jeans this afternoon:

Mr. A&P Shopper,

Although you are kind of cute, what you did between the meat and dairy sections is totally unacceptable. Picking your ass in public is kind of distasteful as it is, but totally digging up there where the sun don't shine for like 10 minutes, well, that was just tacky.

Based on your looks only, I would have given you a 7 (scale of 1 to 10). If you had been discrete, like most of us are, then I would have only discounted a little point or two. However, because you practically forced your fingers up your bum like it was the Spanish inquisition, I am going to knock you down to a 3. I'm truly sorry, shopper. But I'm even more regretful for your rectum.

Just Say No to “Sex”!

It’s NOT what you think. Seriously. The show “So You Think You Can Dance” started its new season tonight, and Sex is back! If you’ve never watched the show, you really don’t know what you’re missing…well…Sex, actually!

Sex (born David), is a misguided young man with a severe case of the loopy loos. It’s ok if you don’t have the moves that could potentially impregnate any female in the audience (even lesbianas), but to truly believe you are a decent dancer, when you resemble a cat coughing up a hairball in the middle of a seizure, now that’s just wrong.

Going back to the show, it is truly great entertainment, and the dancing is just amazing. I wish I could dance as beautifully as some of the contestants. Not to brag here, but I did do a killer dance and sing along to Maniac from the movie Flash Dance. Sure my cats didn’t appreciate my effort, and pretended not to know me. Jealous much kitties?

My New @$%$##ing Toy

I decided it would be a great idea to follow the painful process of removing the stray hairs on my eyebrows with a pair of tweezers, to capturing the ones on my legs with a machine that rips a million hairs in a second. Ahhh lovely.

I tried it for a second, and I was like “cool beans”. It didn’t seem to hurt nearly as much as waxing my legs myself. Hopefully, I would be able to do both legs in one day, unlike the time I decided to try hot wax on one, and didn’t have the courage to do the other. Or when I tried cold wax, felt too sorry for my bikini area, removed whatever green stuff I could with water, and put on my pantyhose. Needless to say, there was lots of stickiness for a very long time. I just kept hoping an episode of Post-Traumatic Stress would not ensue later in life.

Ok, clearly doing both legs in one day is madness! That "o, this is not so bad" feeling didn’t last too long. Holy crap. Ok, it’s not as bad as hot wax, but O MY. Me no likey pain!!! Little rotten, conniving weapon of mass destruction. You and your bloody sparkles. Blue devil.

Hump Day!

I had an eventful lunch:

-I went to my therapist, as always, and cried a bucket of tears. What da feck, heh? I blame it on PMS. That explains almost everything.

-At the professional building, after seeing Dr. M, I saw this small groundhog, happily nibbling on something. So adorable! Not at all like the one who eats all the greenery in my backyard, and gives me an evil toothy look, almost like he farted, didn’t realize it, and was like “who farted?” Yeah, we’ll talk about that sneaky skunk some other time. I’ve got issues with him/her.

-On my ride back, saw a guy in a car weaving in and out of lanes, tailgating me and a few other drivers. Hello? Monkey Breath, no matter how much you try, that little white car will never fly, nor will Route 80 ever be the Indy 500 you dream of. I bet he wasn’t even wearing a seat belt. Double tsk with a big scoff.

-Stopped by Starbucks. Oy. Got a small sandwich, and a tall cinnamon dolce vita petit poisson au gratin with a lemon twist crap-puccino. There goes my budget…Pfffft.

My New Toy

My Silk épil, from Braun, arrived last night! O, it’s so pretty, with all its blue sparkles, and sleek shape. I can't wait to try it out! I will soon forget all the hot pink mess I used to make whenever I pulled out the wax warmer, and started spackling the wax onto the skin.

Now, my sister swore that using this beauty will only be painful at first, so I should be ok. Also, I checked out the user reviews at epinions.com to make sure it was a good product. It is currently the highest rated epilator. Weeeee hoooo...Now, I'll be ready to wear those summer capris ehehehehe

You've Got G-Mail :)

Although it was a gloomy day in general, I was in such a great mood. Can’t see it being all the caffeine I had, but hey, I won’t question it further.

How good? Well, for starters, my hair, which usually looks delicious, was even yummier. All flowy, silky, and shiny…I would have done a sexy hair flip like in a commercial, but the last time I tried it, it scared Sashimi (my girl kitty), and I confess, it also made me kind of dizzy.

Since I was at work, after hours as usual, I decided to take a few minutes and check my email. And there it was...Right there in the middle of the screen...G's email address. Taunting me. Open the email, open open open! Ok, why was I so nervous? Maybe I thought it was one of those "I don't think it's a good idea to email you" kind of email. But it wasn't. It was simple and sweet. Didn't I say he was a nice guy?

The ride home was spent thinking about life in general, and also admiring my view- how lovely the trees are, with so many shades of green, broken up by the occasional yellow and red. Of course, this is where my Mazda almost didn’t make it up the hill when the roads were icy a few months ago. So there goes my dreamy state. Poop.

The Conspiracy

I have a confession to make…for the last decade, I have been masterminding a conspiracy to drive my soon-to-be-ex into a land of psychosis, fuzzy pink rabbits, and chocolate rainbows.

Yes, I am a highly evolved creature capable of many devious acts. And what acts, you may ask?

Why, I’m glad you asked. I have created a labyrinth which leads into a space vacuum. I cannot divulge how I’ve managed to fashion such path, but I can definitely tell you its purpose and how it functions.

What it does is, it magically makes food and other items disappear into this vacuum (while ex searches for them), and re-appear in my presence or at my telepathical command.

Ex-to-be: “I need cheese. Where’s the cheese?”
me: “it’s in the fridge”
x2b: “I don’t see it”
me: “it’s in there, where it always is”
x: “somebody took it”
me: “yes, a thief raided our fridge and escaped with a chunk of cheese. Look in the small drawer where we keep the dairy”
x: “which one?”
me: “the top one. The other two are for the veggies”
x: “O, I found it” [triumphant look]

See, it’s all about trickery and timing in this psychological thriller-type game. Making sure the object I have thrust into the vacuum, is returned just when I have him in the brink of insanity.

Genius. I know.

The Evil is Still Within

I'm just going back to the previous post... While I did not get any spirits unleashed, the lady in the stall next to me got hers out. I'm so jealous, yet seriously upset, because she did her thing and ran out, so anyone who was in the ladies' room will probably think that I had made all that lovely music.

Storm Is a-Brewing

Did you hear that? No? A rumbling sound? Nothing? Kind of like a thunder storm??? Still nothing?!! Ok, if you did hear something, that would be all the commotion happening in my digestive system.

Have no idea what the hell I ate that would make such a big stink (huh huh ehehehe) in my belly. It's like it is conjuring something very evil and horrible, yet warning all others to be afraid, be very afraid...

Maybe a little visit to the ladies' room will help release the demons.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Let's see...Sunday, soon-to-be-ex and I went to a diner for lunch, and then followed the memorable meal with a trip to Toys-R-Us. I wanted to get Skip-Bo, a fascinating card game I had just learned how to play two days before, with my friends Angela and Tina.

Within a few minutes, we located the game, and proceeded to the checkout counter. Now, T-R-Us are a huge pain in my behind, because they have their cashiers ask for our phone numbers for their mailing list. I've been through this crappola before, where I refused to give my number out, and the girl got all bent out of shape, and actually told me that I had to give her the number. Pardonnez-moi, little f*ck?

Anyhoo, this time I wasn't going to create a scene. I would give out a fake number (sorry to the people who actually have that number...I recently learned that you can just say "unlisted" and that will be the end of it). The idea occurred to me so rapidly and I just blurted the number out, without realizing the enemy was right next to me.

I gave out my cell number xxx-xxx-6247. Last two digits were incorrect. Imagine the horror when soon-to-be-ex blurts out "what number did you give her?", "my cell phone number", I replied. And the conversation went something like this:

soon-to-be-ex: "that's not your cell phone number"
me (annoyed look): "yes, it is"
2-b-Ex: "no, what's wrong with you, that's not your cell number"
me (frozen smile look): "yes, it is"
cashier catches on to my little game: "it's ok"
soon-to-be-dead ex: "you gave her the wrong number! There's no 47 in your cell phone number"
me (clenching my teeth, ready to introduce my foot to his left butt cheek: "no, that's my cell phone number"
asshole (speaking to the cashier): "she gave you the wrong number"
cashier: "it was just for the mailing list, that's ok"

We weren't even out of the store yet, and I just had to blurt out a "there's no 47 on my cell phone... are you slightly retarded???? Didn't you see me give you a dirty look?" [mockingly] "huh huh there's no 47 huh huh..."

I just didn't want to get more junk mail, geeeeeeesh. In 10 years of marital bliss, you would think he would know the fake smile by now...

Ex-to-Be Takes on Leaky Faucet (aka, I’m Finally Getting my Dream Pool)

Sooo, I received a call at work from my future ex…He wanted to know when I was coming home. Usually, this means “something”…Apparently, he was on his way to Home Depot (uh-oh), to get something to fix the outdoor faucet (leaking when turned on), and wanted to let me know he had shut off the water in the whole house. O boy…

Now, H is not what you call “handy”. No, I don’t expect him to know how to repair anything just because he’s a man. As a matter of fact, I wish nothing more than for him to stop trying to fix/install things. Seriously. You think I’m joking? Here’s a tiny list of SOME of the various tasks he’s accomplished:

-glued back together a cookie jar using packing tape (bonus points for using clear tape).

-installed window AC not by centering it, but by placing the unit almost all the way to the left, so the flexible panel on the right side had to be super stretched and nailed down to the side of the window frame to compensate.

-worked on our cars using electric and duck tape in places you would normally not find either item; did find a few large bolts near my cup holder once, but according to H, il mechanico, they were not needed; managed to get a rag stuck in the timing belt, but I can’t remember what he was trying to do then.

-invited one of his friends who is a non-certified electrician/plumber/clown (I don’t think he was ever trained in anything) to check our heat radiators and repair one of them. Between the two, I found black handprints all over the guest bedroom wall (it now needs to be repainted), the door frame, and I’m sure in other places (I had to leave the bedroom due to impending nervous breakdown). O yes, I can now safely say we need a new radiator plus parts.

Which brings me to the present…the leaky outdoor faucet. You would think, being as cheap as he is, that he would put a bucket underneath it, to collect the water. Instead, he let it flow down the driveway…He took the faucet apart, tried to fix it with various plumbing tools (water bottle caps, pieces of plastic off of a shopping bag, you know, the usual), and voilá! No more leaking! Also no longer working.