Where the Sun Don’t Shine

I am seeeeeething. All this anger, so early in the day? Why, what has he done already? He was “playing” with the Nissan this weekend, supposedly only doing an oil change. This morning, I’m ready to go to work, and the car doesn’t start. Mother trucker.

I open the middle garage door, to get my car out, and all of a sudden, I spot a little bird’s nest up on top, on the other garage. O, how sweet! And look, there are many other nests! Over 8! Wow, how adorable.

Little babies…O, what da? What’s that over there? It’s a bed? Why is there a dismantled bed in the garage? It looks very small. Is it a twin? Oh…must be STEX getting ready for his parents to move in…Hold up.

What da fuck?! It’s a crib. Oooo my eyes are crossing, I’m seeing red, ooo I’m getting ready to speak in tongues…Breathe…breathe…heeee heeeee hoooooo heeee heee hoooooooooo…foot up his ass…heeeee heeeeee fooooot up his aaaaassssssssss

Clawing My Way Out of the Bathroom

Kitties and I have somewhat of a morning routine…Well, bathroom routine…They like to join in the fun, no matter what I’m doing. Whether it’s taking advantage of my immobility while I’m on the throne to get some extra petting in, inspecting the shower tub, or simply looking out the small window to see what the neighbor’s dog is doing.

Soooo, I woke up, and went to do my business, two cats in tow. Sushi wanted some cuddlies, so I was giving him the “massage special” that he loves. Sashimi was busy looking out the window. I’m petting Sushi, still attending to my nature call, and all of a sudden I feel these claws on my back. Sashimi jumped on me and just stayed there. If I wasn’t awake before, I sure am now!

The Bee’s Knees My Arse!

Ok, so while I’ve declaring how lucky I am to have honey bees all over the place, and even building nest all over, I didn’t bother to try to classify them…I know the ones prancing around the rhody were collecting pollen (their legs were full of the stuff!), but the ones re-constructing abandoned hives, I had no idea what they were. Bees, I thought. Just a different kind…Until I decided to get an up-close photo…

Yeah, the “bee” (translation: wasp) looked pissed off, much like a celebrity running from the paparazzi camera. Mean-o insect. Kind of gave me the dirty look Sushi often bestows upon me, when he’s seriously annoyed. Yeah. Wasps. That’s what they are… Stinger and all. Ok, fine, I will not disturb them, as they are still important to the environment. They could, at least, be a little friendlier, given the fact that they are guests. Or am I the guest? Tum tum tum! It's giving me the finger, isn't it?

O Snap!

I'm indulging in a lot of sugar free candy and chocolate these days. They are really delicious! They do contain a certain ingredient that carries a warning - too much of this will have a laxative effect. O snap. I've crossed the threshold, MANY times over. I hope no one stops me before I get to the ladies' room. Quick!

The Escape Artist

It's been so nice, these last few days...Weather wise, I mean. Nice and cool, only the fan is needed...

In the bedroom, I opened one of the french doors that lead to the upper deck, leaving the screen on, so the kitties can't escape. They love watching insects land on the screen, or buzz around the plants.

At night, I was already in "heavy-eyelids" mode, when I hear my soon-to-be-ex calling my name. He was outside smoking a cigarette, when he noticed Sashimi was on the deck! How??? What???

Miss Smarty Pants, was able to open the screen with her little paw. But how?! Sushi, who's bigger and much stronger, has never been able to do it! I've got another little genius in my hands. O boy...must reinforce screen.

Band Night!

Angela and I went out to see a band, Monte and the All Stars. Eh, didn't care much for the music itself and their theatrics (they seemed very distracted, like talking to each other between lyrics, etc). It's all about fun, sure, but geeeeesh. I would give them another go, though.

The opening band, Barbies Dead, was really good. I loved the music, the energy, and one of the singer's pants falling. Well, almost. He did have a really tightened belt, with his CK undies showing, teeee heeee. I loved his passion! Like he was making out with the microphone, yeah baby!

Of course, there's always a distraction...There was this retarded mo-fo to my left with a goofy smile on his face, mouth half open, clapping to EVERY SINGLE FECKING SONG. How annoying is that? If I ever drink that much, and act like a moron, please take me home. Just take me home, and pretend you don't know me.

I Smell Something Fishy

I woke up this morning with the sweet scent of tuna. Maybe it's the garbage? I didn't cook fish this week, I'm sure...

I spot Sashimi (aka Little Baby, my female cat). Her chin is brown. Her fur is matted with some sort of sticky, smelly substance. What da eh? Turns out, STEX was "helping" me, by leaving out an open can of cat food, and paper plates. Sashimi must have gotten a whiff of it, and starving as kitties are in the morning, she put her face in the can and went to business.

Hells Yeah! Beefy...

One of my secret indulgences, is watching Hell's Kitchen on Fox. Ahhh, it's soooo delicious, it makes me want to cook right alongside the competitors, but I'm too busy immersing myself in Chef Gordon Ramsay's total hotness. No, it's not just because he's in the kitchen...tsssssss....

From Chef Ramsay's cute pet names for the competing boys and girls , to the amazing, conniving, and backstabbing participants, you just have to admire how good of a show it is.

One teeny weeny observation...Is it just me or do the following dishes/main ingredients get slightly overused? Beef Wellington, John Dory, risotto, scallops...

Sylvester Stall-Ana

My index finger hurts. Really does. Not going to the doctor bad, but it's that annoying kind of pain, where you just want to crack the thing, and get it over with. Honestly, between the cyst in my wrist that has been acting up and now the finger (my left hand -the dominant one), I feel like I've been boxing myself at night.

Hmmm, I wonder if that's why I feel so beat up some mornings...

Multiple Personality

I'll admit that, every now and then, I contradict myself. However, I am not as bad as STEX...Today, he told me: "I was so happy with you here". What?! Ok, maybe it's time I review one or two of our last fights. You know, where he tells me how much he wishes I were not in his life? How irresponsible and bad of a person I am? Well, what's the use in complaining, right? I'm still beating him at Skip-Bo on a daily basis, so I'm feeling good, ehehehe

Going Postal

I know one day, I'll look back at this experience and laugh at its absurdity...Yesterday, STEX went all paranoid on me because of stamps…I mean, paranoid, as in psychologically paranoid…

He was paying the bills while I supervised (I've been the accountant throughout our marriage, and a couple of months ago, I decided it would be best if he started learning how to do it. I made a copy of a blank check to teach him how to fill it out properly, gave him a cheat sheet on how to write out numbers, then made copies of common bills, so he would know where the info --- like due date, amount, etc --- is located).

I had told STEX, during our last "training" session, that I had just given him the last stamps I had. He purchased more, but never placed them with the invoice folders, so he wouldn't "displace" them.

Apparently, he forgot where he put the stamps. Started looking through his drawers, frantically. Accused me of stealing his stuff! That if I opened the containers I've been using to store my possessions (for the move), 50% of the items inside would be his. Does he really think I want his crap? I mean, am I not the one who throws his stuff out when he’s on vacation, because it is broken, full of holes, discolored???

Called me a thief!!! Seriously?! He said that’s why he had to hide the stamps. For fuck's sake, why would I want his stupid forever stamps when I do most of my bills online...Then he apologized, blah blah blah…Same old story. Pointless.

Copy This, Mo-Fo!

I’ve got the answer for you STEX...You want me to remember to take that paper you’ve thrust upon me at like 8:30-9:00 PM last night, and give you a copy of it urgently?

O wait, you changed your mind about giving me the paper, because I might forget, and you need it immediately? Then I suggest you place it between your butt cheeks and press start!!!

STEX is Putting on His "F*ck Me" Boots

Continuing on from yesterday's tirade...I told STEX that I would go back to Acme and return the bread. Of course I went to work without it. I was talking to K at work, and then decided to avoid yet another fight, I would go back home, get the bread, and make the return. I could have waited until after work, but I never know if he's going to get home before me, so I went in the morning.

When I got to Acme and pointed out the error, I was given the difference, so I kept the loaves. I knew he wasn't going to believe me when I said what happened, even with a written receipt. And he didn't...Called me a liar...What a joke.

STEX decided to apologize for calling me whatever names yesterday (yeah, ok, like I've never heard that puke before...), and say that he would refinance the house within the next few days (again, heard it many times, gag).

Also told me that he would give me the full amount we had agreed upon. O miracle! Proceeded to tell me that he would find the money even if he had to "sell his body". I replied "for what, 5 cents?"

Trust me, he may be handsome, have a nice body with long, lean legs (perfect for those "fuck me" boots), but once you listen to his philosophies or go through just one of his temper tantrums, you will be ready to vomit as well.

When Life Gives Him Lemonade, He Makes Crap-ade

It's hard to be happy and funny some days. I think if it weren't for my STEX, I would have fewer "bad" days. It's true that we do have fun once in a while (especially after the word "divorce" became part of our daily vocabulary), and he provides me with tons of material, unfortunately, his "other side" is much too much to bear.

I was having a not-so-great day, feeling a bit blue (blaming PMS), and crying over stupid things, which I normally don't do. I talked it out with a few friends, and my spirits were raised up again. When I got home, he was just arriving himself. He seemed ok at first, until he "turned".

During lunch, I stopped by Acme to get a few items, and saw that my wheat bread was on sale for $1.99, which is absolutely cheap, considering a regular loaf is $3.59. I bought four, as he goes through them very fast and I've been taking sandwiches to work as well. What I didn't pay attention to, was the cashier scanning each item. Turns out I was charged full price.

I went home, and like I mentioned before, he had just gotten there too. I saw that he had bought the same bread, two loaves. He said he got 2 for $5.oo. I did a one-upmanship here, and said I got 4 at $1.99 each! Me and my big mouth. Granted, were I speaking to a normal guy, he probably wouldn't care two shits about me paying regular price for the bread, but, alas, I'm not dealing with someone who is within the norm...

Of course, he looked at the receipt, and went ballistic. On top of it, I had taken 2 slices out, so I could make a sandwich, and he went crazy over the fact that I had opened one loaf. Here came the curses, the name calling, the claims of my irresponsibility, from now on he wants the joint account card because I'm spending too much money on purpose, he's going to "cut my neck", how much he hates me, how he wishes I could get out of his life, scream, scream, scream...

I said I would get out of his life as soon as he refinanced the house so the loan is solely under his name, he gave me the amount we agreed upon as the buy-out, and the divorce was finalized. He said he was no longer going to refinance because "people" told him it was a bad move, I didn't deserve the money, and he would discount all car repairs he paid for from the total, along with the times he's filled up the gas tank for me, any costs I cause him due to the divorce, and give me $7,000 less.

Guess what, you arrogant, pompous ass? You already made a promise, you signed a paper based on that, which I submitted to court along with the divorce request. I didn't ask for a lot of money, quite the opposite. I didn't even ask for alimony, so you're getting off very easily.

Fighting over everything, accusing me of being irresponsible all the time, telling me to go to sleep like I am a fucking child, always expecting me to drop everything I'm doing that very second in order to help him, no matter how busy I am (i.e. repeatedly asking me to cut his hair after I told him I didn't want to, when I was preparing for a trip to visit my family, working very long hours so I could go on vacation in peace, still taking care of the house, cooking, making sure bills were paid before I left, and that we had enough food and litter for the kitties), and so on...

Painting the Patio Red

I’ve been slightly intrigued by a certain commercial on TV. Maybe you’ve seen it? It’s the one where a couple is preparing for some party, and is discussing the condition of their patio. More specifically, their paving stones are looking rather weathered, unlike the pavers this other vendor uses/sells.…

I’m not sure if the advertiser meant for the audience to feel “sorry” for the couple, but it got me thinking. O poor, pathetic husband/wife…Such a lavish backyard, planning an outdoor party, and they cannot afford to get someone to spruce up the patio. Obviously, color blind as well, because they are using bright red paint. Sad, very sad. I feel like crying. Where’s my damn Zoloft???

The Foot, The Sad, and The Fugly

Where I work, Thursdays have been declared casual days! Weee hooo! And to top it all, flip-flops and open-toe sandals are back in business after a couple of years on the no-no list!!! Here’s my chance to show off my chubby, blemish free, piglets. I love the sense of freedom I get when the tootsies are unbound by shoes or pantyhose. Look at them wiggling and giggling with happiness! Ahhh kids. They grow up so fast…But I digress.

Now, for the not-so-pretty part of Summer…fugly toes. Granted, I am not an expert on foot beautiness, nor are mine so gorgeous that they practically radiate exquisiteness, but at least, I try to primp them the best I can. I mean, you wouldn’t put on a bathing suit without checking out if you shaved your hairy legs right? (well, ok, I guess I must have forgotten about the shaving incident back in college…my friends and I were cavorting in the school pool, and I’m lifting one leg to the surface of the water, then I do the other, and that’s when I notice I shaved one leg, but forgot to do the other…)

Anyhoo…if your toenails look more like talons, maybe you can kind of trim them a bit? Add a little polish? Maybe remove some of that toe beard? Massage your feet? Nothing fancy or expensive (I do my own). We depend on our feet so much, and yet, we often ignore our priceless gems.

Go ahead, build your own foot shrine and adore them every once in a while!

Dang it, Who Farted my Day-Dream Away?

Here I was, sitting at my desk at work, thinking of G again (I seriously have to have a talk with myself…I keep saying G is engaged, isn’t he? At least, I’m like 80% sure. Why are you thinking about him? You have too much on your plate to even start thinking about cutie patootie men again. Silly girl. Spank you later.), wondering why I married H, feeling all regretful for my mistakes, blah blah blah, when my train of thought comes to a sudden, screeching halt.

What da mother-trucking smell is that??? Vile scent of evil! Nothing brings you out of fantasy land faster than the pungent medley of a good stank. Can’t even tell if that is the smell of tuna, raw onions, garlic, rotting food, or skunk but it sure curled up my nose hairs and brought tears to my eyes. Pheeeewwwww! I think I’m about to pass out. Nighty night.

Where's the Bee?

Everyone under the sun has probably heard by now that there's been a significant decline in the amount of bees we see these days. Potential causes for this occurrence have been attributed to anything from mites, pesticides, infections, pollution, to a weakening of the bees’ immune system.

Of course, I really do not know as much as I should on the subject, but found a very interesting article worth reading: http://www.hcn.org/servlets/hcn.Article?article_id=16891

I’m sad to say it took a movie like DreamWorks’ Bee Movie to shed some light in the subject, at least for me. I watched it on a plane traveling to Switzerland. Speaking of which, now that was a place where my sister and I would find bumblebees by the gazillions every summer, buzzing around the fields. I would like to add that these particular bees are about the cutest ones ever. Who can resist watching a chubby, fuzzy, bee frolicking from flower to flower? Not me!

The whole point of this schpiel is not just to bring a little bit of awareness to bees, but also to say that I have found some of them right in my garden, so I will do my part and keep them as happy as possible. Even after I leave my house, I’ll make H promise me that he will never try to remove any hives or apply insecticides, and make sure that he continues growing flowers, so the bees can have their pollen.

I have seen an indication that there were some hives (well, pieces of honeycomb are still attached) in the property at some point (will post a few pictures later), but haven’t seen any of their new “cribs”. I have, however, been observing many of them prancing around the flowers of my rhododendron.

I was so filled with awe and admiration for these little munchkins, that I pulled out my weapon of mass distraction (aka digital camera), and started snapping pictures and filming them. The buzzing around the rhody was incredible, I just wish I could have captured the sound (well, it’s not too late yet, I’ll see if they are playing outside today). The bees didn’t seem bothered by me at all, and I’m sure they were striking a pose and smiling every time I exclaimed “Make love to the camera” “Yes, you love it, you love collecting pollen, ooo yeah” or “Say Bees!!!”