Thinking about a recent conversation I had with someone, led me to have a monologue about Santa Claus. I don't know how I got there, but I personally believe (Miss South Carolina style) that Santa is a prick. It's also "Satan" if you are really clever and noticed it, or are just plain dyslexic.
There's nothing really great about him, and to tell you the truth, most renderings of Santa make him look, how do you say? Pervy. Not just for the overly rosy cheeks (either rosacea, or more likely, he's a perpetual drunk), little beady eyes, or drooling, goofy look, but for an even bigger reason- his love for younger boys and girls. I mean, the guy's whole life revolves around children, handing out toys, talking about naughty stuff, and having them sit on his lap. Hello, Santa? It's me, Michael Jackson.
Here's why I think Santa's a hemorrhoid: he takes all the credit for the Holiday (no offense to JC…). It's already been scientifically proven that there's no way in hell, that the fat guy in the red pajamas, can efficiently deliver toys to all the kids in the world in one flippin' night (I don't need your rationalizations about secret portals, "helpers", etc, ok?). If that were true, the idiot would have been on The Apprentice, jumping on the couch with Oprah, written books about his expertise, and sold billions of copies. The money earned could be used for more toy-making, increasing wages, benefits, and handing out big bonuses to his workers, but since he’s an asshole, he would probably choose to use the cash to retire in a nice, expensive island somewhere, while laughing at his staff for being such huge suckers. Stick it to the man, Elves, stick it to the man!
It pisses me off to think that Santa uses height-challenged people (or are they kids disguised as adult little people? In which case, I'll be reporting you to the authorities for using child labor) to produce the toys, like indentured servants, while his flaccid derriere sits in a big throne, complaining how he's sooo busy. And what's with you, Elves? What happened to your pride and dignity? Who stole the "s" in "selves"? (Another word worth looking into: selves. You know those letters also spell "slaves", if you remove an "e" and replace it with an "a"?) Santa's just using you! He don't love you like that.
Where is PETA on this? Didn't we notice the whip that sadist dangles over the poor, innocent reindeer?
How come only certain kids receive gifts, while others (i.e. Jewish, Hindu, and so on) get zip?
How about the kids in Africa, do they know it's Christmastime at all? (line totally stolen from a popular song, but really, why do we assume others feel bad because they don't celebrate this holiday? OMG, I just read the lyrics, this song blows chunks!)
Know what, Satan Claws? You're on MY list now, bitch.
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